This was post was triggered by StartHER Five podcast episode with Dr. Marcia Edwards – Therapy for Black Girls. I say triggered because that’s exactly what I was. The tribe was having a very thought provoking conversation about therapy, resources available, why it’s important, and other topics that are worth a listen, and Dr. Edwards made a comment about how there is the strong black woman and her cousin is the aggressive black woman. Look…I was triggered and literally stopped in my tracks. It immediately brought to mind all of the black woman isms I’ve have occupied (whether knowingly at the time or not) in my career. I have lived a life and experienced some things that I honestly never wish on anyone, and through it all, one designation that has always been attached to me was “strong”.
For so long it was something I prided myself on – the ability to endure most anything. To always be the pillar for everyone at anytime, and often leaving my own feelings and care by the wayside. I have also been looked at (and probably called behind my back) as the aggressive Black woman. I was the one who people could come to in order to check other people to get in line. The one who might be deemed to have an attitude because I was blunt and straight forward, even though what I was saying was based in facts. I know my face sometimes speaks before my mouth opens and I have to be very conscious of this as I deliver messages so as to ensure the message is received in the way I intended it to be delivered.
Being a Black woman in the work place means I have be seen as the nurturer, the disciplinarian, Olivia Pope – the fixer, the “one who gets shit done” – quoted because that’s exactly how it was said, the one who will call it like it is, the “face” when it’s convenient, and behind the scenes when my “visual presence” is not needed. In just typing this, I can think of several days in my career where I have held many of these “roles” all at once. It’s exhausting. But more than that, it’s frustrating because I know I have had conversations with some of my peers and the expectation was to be both strong and aggressive (but not too aggressive to hurt the feelings of others). I wonder if my White counterparts encounter the same requests, and/or if they feel inclined to hold so many roles to get shit done.
I know for sure I am a force to be reckoned with because I have the ability to occupy the role as needed, while also executing effectively and always coming with results. However, I wonder if the mental gymnastics that goes on within in order to make things happen, is even worth it. Do I really want to be the hug and hammer? If I choose one role over the other, how will I be seen or perceived? Can I just say what needs to be said without having to rehearse it so that someone doesn’t get their feelings hurt in the process?
I wonder if the threat of the strong Black woman and her aggressive cousin disrupts the team because they aren’t agreeable people. Why would you want to team of “yes” wo/men? I’m here for diversity of thought and the idea that folks will challenge the norm or groupthink shows me that they value the growth of the group. Maybe I’m way outside the box in my thinking, but I personally know I exist in this world to be an innovative thinker, executor, and change agent. I don’t want to do it like we’ve always done it, and if that means that my Black girl mouth is going to wreak havoc, then those around me must know that those 10 other roles I occupy will have to go as well. I mean you can’t have the full cake without all of the ingredients. It’s important to find a place that allows you to be you, and will advocate in spaces where “you” might be questioned.
I say all this to say that it’s important that we own our roles and own our dopeness (shoutout to Jennifer Lynne Williams) as Black women. I also know that we are a commodity that makes the engines run, and STRONG and AGGRESSIVE should not be seen as a threat. We get things done. The world just has to catch up…